My Inner Freak

 I think I could be addicted

To the rush, the chills, the thrills.

I’ve given up drinks, I’ve quit the drugs

Could this be my replacement? 

I’m overtaken

Rendered helpless

Losing control

Over my own body

The urge, the ache

I surge, I quake

I quiver, I shiver

I shudder, then I mutter

Passionate pleas

It’s all building up

Inside of me.

This sensory world…

I step into, fixated

One touch of my own hand

On any part of me,

Leading the way.

Scared of exploring 

But I dare to take the steps

Where else can I go in my mind?

Consuming me, all the time.

I do what I can

To stifle my mind

But I lose this battle.

My hands don’t stop.

Where are they going? 

Just the knowing

Is accelerating 

The heart rate.

I can give myself butterflies. 

I can feel the nervousness build,

I told myself, finally, to slow down

Insecurities creeping once again. 

I had to tell myself 

“God damn it, bitch!

Do you know how fucking sexy you are?

I can’t take it.

I must touch you, now!”

And then, I saw myself…

I was transfixed.

Narcissist?

It felt that way in the moment.

I let it all go. 

I finally let it all go. 

The skin, the hands, 

Shaking my own breasts.

Absolute teasing 

Incomparable pleasing. 

The way I pushed them up,

I lose all composure.

I couldn’t believe what I was saying.

Was this me?

Or was this… finally me?

I needed something else.

My body said “Go, now.”

She’s so greedy, so impatient.

She needed it right then.

But my mind said “tease more,

rithe more, tilt your head back more,

climb the hedge, reach the edge, 

let it build before you pour it all out.

I remembered when I walked outside 

Naked, in the rain.

Then I ran back into the house

To fully devour myself.

The thrill of the memory

Sent me over the edge.

Now I’m on the bed.

I can’t take it anymore.

Inserted…

Now I’m getting very perverted.

Another memory sparks 

Of when I created a fantasy

Of a tall, dark, handsome older pastor

Taking out his sins… on me.

A vision of a younger, smaller me

Before I knew any better,

But old enough to beg

For my urges to be fulfilled.

Sitting in his front row pew

What else could he do

But wipe his sweaty brow

When I hike my already tight skirt

To the very top of my thigh.

After the sermon,

I am taken out back

Whisked away,

In the bright sunlight.

Everyone else is gone

But the sunshine, trees and the breeze.

The sun glistening

Upon my bare naked skin.

The sweetest sin.

“Take me, you dirty fucking pastor!”

I’m gone, my mind is gone 

He rips my fishnets,

Which were all I had left on. 

My heels sleep off.

He devours me now. 

“I’m your dirty fucking tease.

Now get me on my knees.

I’m such a sinner. 

But sinners have all the fun.

And we give… all the pleasure.

I’m such a bossy bottom.

You will render me senseless

With your rod of steel

Into my budding, begging tulip.

The dew is now pouring

This throbbing has me soaring.

I’ll never have you snoring

Just roaring…

Fuck me faster, pastor!!!”

I repeat this last line

Until I reach the glorious finish line.

I lie there, stunned.

I’ve re-unearthed 

My inner freak.